Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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