So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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