Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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