i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
