shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The feeling are messing with the penis
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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