Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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