How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
