I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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