if i can run in heels then i can drive
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
