My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I met the friendliest cop last night
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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