even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
