M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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