I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
