God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
