I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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