Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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