I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
