Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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