an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
