Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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