She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
