Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
