So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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