Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
