Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
