Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
