omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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