roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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