Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Can I color on your dick again?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
