It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
