Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
