i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
