I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
