Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
