she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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