We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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