True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
