so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
BRING THE BAGELS
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
