I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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