I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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