i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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