can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my phone needs a breathalizer
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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