there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
