I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
