so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
