they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
