I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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