ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
