i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
