Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just googled if crying burns calories
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
