There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
