Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
