There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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